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Dec 8, 2003
Movin' on to the greener pasture that is LiveJournal. Screw you guys, I'm going home. *Prances off to happy live journal*
Posted at 11:15 pm by JudeLawInExile
Why do we hate ourselves?
The world may never know, haha. Alright, well today, I don't really hate myself, but I'm struggling around my OCD self to try and find the faults in me that may have caused other people's dislike for me. Maybe I'm dreaming it up that everyone hates me out of paranoia. I have no idea, but I have labeled today as a self hatred day.
I don't think I've ever really had a self hatred day before, and I think my self hatred day would be much worse if it wasn't for Karen around offering to take me to go see The Last Samurai after school. I have to say that that really made me happy...Even though I know I can't go, it made me happy to know that she knew I was having a bad day and wanted to take me out somewhere to make me feel better. Thinking back, there's never been a time where Karen has done something malicious to me. *Knocks on wood*. I think everything she's done for me has been to make me feel better. Unlike my backstabbing personality, I don't think I've ever done anything malicious towards her - which makes the friendship a good one, I guess. We haven't gotten in any fights. *Knocks on wood again* Which makes it a good friendship, I guess.
Who knows. Maybe it is my backstabbing personality that makes me seem younger and thus causes Monique to treat me like I'm younger. It's as if somehow I'm going to take down her 'coolness' level by the way I act. Well, fine. Then I just won't 'ruin' her reputation anymore.
I'm probably overreacting, but I guess after more than a few months of trying to take it like the frickin' religion book says I've about had enough. I'm tired, I guess. I want friends. Scratch that, I have friends - but I want to feel like I actually do have them. And not have to worry whether one will read this and out of her hidden dislike for me take pleasure in the fact that I've fallen off the top of the world, temporarily, mind you bitch. Or whether one will read and laugh, or whether one will show it to the others so they can all join in group laughter or whether one will read confused or whether one will read and disbelieve or whether one will read and think that everything's going to be fine now that I'm not the happiest thing in the universe.
Besides the case, I think it's really sad that I have to think about that. Or really sad that I have to be writing this entry in my school library on my laptop which I just figured out how to connect to the network here and have no idea as to how I'm going to reconfigure it at home to revert back to sitting in front of a luminescent screen like I did all weekend, drinking soda and finally realizing that no one ever picks up a phone to call me.
I'm probably being selfish, oh well, this is my journal anyway. The only person that called me this weekend was James, even after I told him about 5 times that: "No. I'm watching a good movie."
"What movie are you watching?"
"Angels in America."
"Can you pause it?"
"No. It's on HBO."
And then, he asked how long it would take to finish. I lied and told him 2 and 1/2 hours. He asked if he could call me then but I told him I'd be asleep. Then he pleaded asking for one minute of phone conversation AFTER the movie and I said ok.
Well, he called right then - about 9:30p.m., I'd say - causing me to run to the kitchen to hopefully reach the phone in time before my parents caught it. I got to vent to him for a little while, and I had to admit, talking to James does make me feel better. I really miss him, because out of everyone he's the only one who will call me even if I don't want to talk to him.
I told him goodnight, however, once I saw the angel coming down from the sky in the movie and realized that I had missed a lot of it to my chagrin. I got to see her go: "I have manifested!" And always goes: "GLOOOOORY TOOOOOOO!--" But I never know who she's trying to say the glory to but I guess I'll find out on Tuesday when they do the second part of it.
I think I am being selfish - I shouldn't just expect people to call me, but after a million times calling Monique with hardly ever receiving a line from her to just talk or invite me somewhere I think I'll just give up on the phone all together. They give you cancer anyways, so why should I waste my untaken and currently self-loathing time?
Man, I sound like a blithering emo person. My teeth hurt, I'm on PMS, and I seem to just be mad and depressed at the world right now for their lack of caring and also mine, but I'm too tired to try and fix it now.
This morning I had a tin of pinneapples, for the reason that I put my retainer on last night after like, 1 month of not wearing it. So my teeth are now moving back into place and I feel like I have frickin' braces again - it's painful as shit.
I really should get out of this bout of self loathing and go home. I really want to go home, but I have a fucking student council meeting after school that I have to go to or else. Then I'll go to the lobby and sit absently, mulling over my hurting teeth and wondering how my livejournal is going to look (Laura says: Cynthia smells like butt) like in the sad, pitiful existance I call my emo day.
On the upside, Final Fantasy X-2 is getting a lot better. I actually have a lot of fun. There was even a point in the game where I was running around and audibly, from my chair going: "Wheeeeee! Hahahahahaha!" And giggling like a school girl because it just felt good to be a girl. Seems weird, right? It was the part where we were retracing Yuna's steps as far as the Luca concert went. In order not to blow their cover, Rikku and Paine stuck Yuna in a moogle suit and had her flounce around until they called her to say that they were starting the mission to get rid of the imposter. So, Yuna was hot, walking around in this moogle suit before this guy gave her a handful of balloons and was like: "Promote, damn you!"
So I got to run around handing out balloons to children and people. And it was fun! I think it's really sad that I had so much fun with it but I did and I thought it was great that I could have a game where I could be a girly girl and feel empowered to be a girl and just act like I was having a helluva time running around in a moogle suit.
I guess that was the highlight of my weekend, which, when you think about it, is a rather sad highlight. Alas.
Yay for Cynthia's self hatred day. I'm stupid, I know.
Posted at 03:00 pm by JudeLawInExile
Dec 6, 2003
Moving away from that, school has been alright lately. I think that the friendship that Monique and I have is kind of fading out but not dying - I don't think she respects me as a person anymore, which is alright. I haven't done anything worth earning her respect really. Sometimes I feel like we talk to eachother out of formality and even then I think there are other things she would rather be doing at the time than talking to me. It's alright, like I said, I can understand her feelings on it.
Actually, I think she stopped respecting me at one point when I got mad at her, but I don't really remember over what because I have a really bad memory. Maybe she didn't even respect me then, but it seemed like it. I remember talking on the phone with her and hearing comments like: "You're acting like my mom" and "mmhm." And "I was scared of you, so I did it." Remembering that comment makes me remember why I got mad at her - eases my mind a bit.
I think it was that comment that kind of took the cake, I guess. I mean, it's bad enough that people don't respect you, but it's worse when people say that they're scared of you. I mean, I'm not a bad person, but I'm a scary one? I can deal with that, but it hurts a lot to think about it. Because then thinking of that makes me think whether everything she's ever done for me or agreed with me for was because she was scared of me. Scared of what? I'm hardly capable of doing more than a flea's worth of physical damage on anyone. Verbal damage? Not really. I'm not good enough to be able to regress someone into the mindset of a three year old with my words.
Just now I realized the lack of time Monique ever wants to spend with me, too. Thinking back I can't remember a time when Monique ever called me just to call me - as opposed to me, who calls her all the time. Does that make me clingy? I mean, was I blind to seeing that maybe she just didn't want to talk to me? That there were other people she would much rather spend her time with than me?
I can see it, now, I think, as before I didn't. I mean, I could be walking to an open lab and have to ask HER where she's going, and if not, ask her if she wants to come with me when she would have sooner turned and continued to walk in her direction. Maybe I should stop asking.
I guess I'm also hurt because there's really never a time when she asks me whether I want to go out with her on the weekends. Like, "Hey Cynthia, I feel like going to the movies, you want to come?" Or, "Hey Cynthia, I feel like going to the mall, you want to come?" Am I that much of a bitch to take? Am I a bitch all the time? Am I bossy? Am I abusive? Is this why I no longer merit her friendship?
I mean, I'm really having a problem trying to see exactly the signs of me being discarded now that I may have passed up in my lack of noticing. Even online, I have to be the one to IM her and say: "hey", else she won't IM me. Really, am I that much of a bitch to talk to? Is it that hard to spend a little extra time to talk to me first, to ask me where I'm going first? Or at least to tell me what the FUCK I'm doing wrong?
I just can't stop thinking about it now. Have I really been missing all the signs that she hates me deep down? That she despises spending time with me? I called her on something of the sort the other day, the way she talks down to me like I'm stupid and/or I'm way younger than her, like it's not in her time schedule to spend a lick of time with me.
Do I really just suck that bad? Do I suck so much that no one wants to ask me to go out, no one wants to ask me to their house, or even spend a little extra time with me? Are the friends I have really friends to me, or just putting up with me because I'm there? Am I really that bad of a person? I guess I'm just mixed up about it right now. Do I not earn that much respect at all? Why do people have a dislike for me so much? Maybe I have the answer. Maybe I just suck as a human being.
It's times like these when I miss having the friendship I had with Shelley.
Posted at 09:05 pm by JudeLawInExile
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